12 Oct 2011 Leave a Comment
Sometimes I wonder
Where I’ve been
Who I am, do I fit in?
Make-believing is hard alone
Out here, on my own
I guess I expected something like this to happen. But the emotional hit is more than what I expected. All I have worked for this season, the swimming, the gym, the desire, the tears. All over. Might be easy for some, to let go after all the turmoil that has happened. But its an intrinsic part of my life. Yes even all the shitty bits there is. All the bullying, all the doubt and mistrust. Maybe I am just a sucker for all the abuse, but that team, meant something to me. Something more than just showing up on Tuesdays and Saturdays. What estrangement I feel is not deep enough to plough that furrow to separate myself from this team. But seems like I am too much of an outsider, an outlier, an abnormality. And I made a transgressions with my decisions. So indeed my season this year is fertig, fine, finished with freakshow, just as it was beginning. What comes next season, I do not know. Maybe I won’t be invited back. Maybe this exile is forever, who knows. Just sad to know, no matter how much I slog for this team, intangibles are keeping me away, never really integrated. And I guess I would have to live with that.
